Should my son come out to his grandparents?

Question:

Please give me your thoughts of young, gay adults coming out to their Grandparents. I personally believe that some grandparents may be aware of the situation but would prefer not to be confronted with it. If that's the case, then it just sort of confirms to the gay that it's not OK.....I'm perplexed. I am a proud Mom of a proud Son, and although I have not been asked for my opinion, I would like to have thought this one through when and if it comes up for discussion.

Answer:

Our personal belief is that anyone who is important in your life deserves to know you for who you are. Sure, we don't always tell people everything about ourselves- for instance, who wants to know about Kim's massive Homies collection? But, since being gay involves other important relationships in your life, it is a pretty big thing to try to avoid. What kind of relationship can you have with someone if they don't know something so fundamental about you? But we also know that it's really scary to come out- especially if the relationship with the person you are coming out to really matters to you. So sometimes it's easier to avoid coming out rather than face the possibility of rejection and, in some instances, out right hostility.

It seems from your question that you are leaving it up to your son to come out to his grandparents and we are proud of you for recognizing that it is his decision on if/when/how he comes out to them. That leads us to your very good point that some people do not want to be confronted with the news that someone they know is gay. 

There is a huge difference between coming out and being confrontational. Unfortunately, many people avoid the issue until it comes up in conversation. Waiting until it comes up is usually fine with casual acquaintances, but it usually isn't the best way with the primary relationships in our lives. The longer it takes to come up organically in some conversation, increases the instances of avoiding certain topics, sidestepping innocent questions, and possibly leading to actual deception. All of this sidestepping- possibly by both parties, since the other person may already suspect and might be trying to honor the other person's privacy- can start to become tiring and/or frustrating and once it does come up, it may not be in the gentle and loving way that either would have preferred it to be. Instead, it could take the gay person off guard and, instead of being open and eloquent in their news, they may become defensive, apologetic, or even confrontational about it. The person they are talking to, may also be defensive because they resent that the person didn't trust them enough to be receptive. So BANG! confrontation!

So, in short, it is our opinion that it is completely up to your son as to whether he should come out to his grandparents, but if it was us, we would, and we'd make sure to let them know we're doing it because their relationship is so important to us.

By the way- we think that you are an awesome mom for being so in touch with your son's issues in navigating his coming out process. Every gay kid should have a mother as accepting, supportive, and loving as you!

Have you ever been in a relationship that your partner wasn't out nor was she strong enough to come out?

Question

Have you ever been in a relationship that your partner wasn't out nor was she strong enough to come out?

Answer

Yes, one of us was. It was while in college. She was only out to a few close friends. She didn't even really talk about it to those few friends. It is really hard to come out no matter who you are or what kind of family and friends you have. However, it is especially hard to come out in a heavily religious environment where we lived. I was out to everyone except my parents until about 7 years ago. My ex eventually came out a few years after our relationship ended, when she was in a different relationship with a friend of mine (yeah that was difficult and awkward at first). It was hard to watch her do things in that relationship she was never willing to do when she was with me. In hind sight I guess she wasn’t emotionally or mentally ready for the kind of committed relationship I needed. I think I helped her get to that point. However, she may not see it that way.

I have friends that didn't come out to their parents until they were in their late thirties or even later or not at all. The fear of friends and especially family disowning you is so great some people are willing to lie their entire lives just to keep those relationships. That is one reason gay communities are so tight. A lot of gay and lesbian people are thrown out of their homes as teenagers or disowned later in life when their family finds out. When things like that happen, you make your own family. A Family you choose.

Do you think Vaughn Walker should have excused himself from the Proposition 8 case because he was gay?

Question:

Do you think Vaughn Walker should have excused himself from the Proposition 8 case because he was gay?

Answer:

It's probably bad form to answer a question with another question, but who would have tried the case then? A straight judge? Wouldn't they have the potential of bias going the opposite way?

Aside from that, take into consideration that Vaughn Walker was a scary choice for the gay community when he was randomly selected to oversee the Proposition 8 trial. His tendency to lean toward the right in his rulings and the controversial judgments he has been involved in, such as the 1980's ruling against a gay organization about using the term Gay Olympics, had many people in the gay community worrying about his bias going the other way.

The plain and simple fact is that it is impossible to find a judge who has no potential for bias in this case, just as it was when white men decided civil rights for black people and men made decisions for woman's suffrage. No matter who is chosen, either side can cry foul. So, we had to leave it the system to be fair.

Is homosexuality genetic or environmental?

Question:
Do you think all lesbians or homosexuals in general are born that way? Do you think that there could be some negative event in their life that turns their sexual orientation at some point? For instance, I know a boy who was molested by his grandfather for years. When he was about 16 he declared himself gay and has been ever since. Would he have been gay anyway?

Answer:
First of all, we are truly, truly sorry for the abuse your friend experienced. If we could take just a portion of the energy that has been wasted over the gay debate and focus it on eradicating pedophiles, we think the world would be a much better place.

So, on to the million dollar question! Are gays born or made?

The short answer is that it has not yet been empirically proven one way or the other, but continuing studies seem to suggest that it is probably genetic and that environmental factors, including biological conditions occurring en utero contribute to defining a person's sexual orientation.

The longer answer is that studies continue to be made and we are getting closer to determining a more concrete answer in the scientific sense, but we have never met a single gay person who has said they were made gay. Everyone of our friends we've discussed this with, and it comes up often, is that we were born this way. Even those of us who came out later in life, know that we were always gay and social pressure was the reason for for the delay in figuring it out.

As far as research goes, though, one of the most comprehensive studies occurred in Sweden in 2007 and contained the largest sample of gay twins to date. The Swedish study, along with several other subsequent studies, appear to indicate that the sexual orientation of the subject is genetic, with environmental factors providing some effect. Another interesting study performed in 2007 seems to indicate that a group of genes may be the key to sexual orientation. The study discusses the biological environment en utero primarily focusing on testosterone exposure at key points of development, among many other interesting ideas. Our favorite quote from the linked article is when the researcher says

“Bullshit...A mathematical model is a nice exercise, a mental masturbation about how these things could work, but it makes better sense to do that once we know a bit more..."

Hehe! "mental masturbation"- brainy naughtiness! (Not that there is anything wrong with masturbation!) Anyway...

On a lighter note, a more recent study performed in South Korea found that a gay gene may have been found in female mice. By removing a single gene they found that female mice will gravitate toward other females. The gene's name: FucM. We didn't make that up! That's scientific.

Proving the existence of a gay gene would be a blessing and a curse for us. To finally get the religious right to stop trying to pray the gay away or, better yet, stop the psychologically damaging practice of trying to convert gays to straight, would take away a lot of the negative energy behind the condemnation of gays, and go a long way toward establishing peace for this controversial subject. But scary, scary, scary, is the thought of what people may resort to if they knew how to identify the gay gene and then start thinking about how to eradicate it. This would turn the whole abortion debate around on it's head. Think about it, progressives and conservatives alike, would have to rethink their stand on abortion. Being pro-choice, it would be hard for us to support another woman exercising her right to choice just because the baby might be gay. It's not for us to judge- but that would be tough...and a subject for another day.

What is the male equivalent of 'lesbian'?

Question:

What is the male equivalent of lesbian? 'Gay' seems to be the term to encompass both male and female homosexuals. 'Lesbian' is the term for female homosexuals, and it's not considered derogatory (depending on your circle). What is the term for a *male* homosexual that is not derogatory?

Answer:

Gay is the only term for a male homosexual that can be used with no fear of derogatory undertones.

The acronym LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender) is a good reference when in doubt since those are the universally accepted terms for describing the non-straight community.

The term "gay" had been adopted by society in general over the last two decades, to include both homosexual men and women. You'd probably get as many different answers as the number of people you ask as to the evolution of lesbians referring to themselves as gay, but we are willing to bet that it was simply a matter of simplifying things. Instead of writing "gays and lesbians" in everything that was written about us, writers just shortened it to "gays".

Interestingly enough, the term "lesbian" seems to predate "gay" as far as the etymology of the words goes. "Lesbian" referred to homosexual women as early at the 1880's or 1890's, while "gay" was used to mean a homosexual male in 1971. Prior to that "gay" meant promiscuous when used in terms of describing a man or woman, whether they were homosexual or straight.

How have you prepared your children to deal with questions about having lesbian parents?

Question:

Coming from a family with lesbian parents, your kids must get questions at school. How have you prepared them for these questions [teasing]? Have there been any incidents where coming from a lesbian family has been an issue?

Answer:

We're so glad you asked this! This is something we are pretty proud of, because our kids, at least the two older ones so far, are excellent at this!

It's hard to answer, though! Raising kids is hard. Anyone who has done it knows that there is no silver bullet. Teaching a kid how to deal with assholes...did we write that out loud? Ooops! What we meant to write is, teaching a kid to effectively deal with misbehaving kids, (who are probably just mirroring the opinions and behavior of their own parents), is beyond hard. We wish it was as easy as giving them a pamphlet, teaching them Karate, or coaching them on scathing retorts. It's an art form, and they have to figure out for themselves what works best for them.

If we had to distill our attempts into a short(ish) answer, though, we'd have to say that the main things we have done to prepare the kids are: let them chose who they want to know about their lesbian parents, give them the communication skills to deal with those who do, provide them with the confidence they need to stand their ground, give respect while demanding respect in turn, and finally to behave how they expect others to behave.

Letting them choose who they tell gives them some control over a situation they didn't ask to be in, and it takes away any pressure that could cause them to develop their own negative feelings about the situation. Taking away that pressure helps to lessen the potential of developing poor coping skills borne out of anger, frustration, shame, or obligation to protect the parents who are supposed to protect them. We have never given them any pressure to be "out" just because we are. When we made the decision to be out for ourselves, we were adults, and had developed better tools to deal with negative responses to those who might respond poorly. But it's different for kids, and we try to be sensitive to that. Also, we hope that through our own actions, the girls are able to see how open we are, and learn to feel comfortable about being open in their own ways.

Communication skills are huge. We are huge communicators. We talk about everything. When the kids face new situations, we talk it out with them especially if they feel having lesbian moms is going to come up. We discuss the pros and cons of telling people and whether it is even necessary.

Both of our older daughters are very confident young women, and the youngest seems to be following in her sisters' footsteps. This confidence has provided our girls with the ability to present themselves in a manner that does not invite other kids to mess with them too much and,  on the rare occasions that they do, the girls don't ever feel the need to back down or resort to violence to deal with them. Most of the time, their confidence dispels the need to tease, taunt, or otherwise harass them in the first place. Scads of books have been written on raising confident children. Sometimes we think it was dumb luck that helped us pull it off, but we've committed to the effort, and so far it seems to have worked.  

Respect is a key ingredient to any relationship, and we have taught our kids to respect other people, regardless of who they are, until they prove that they do not deserve their respect. We want them to be open to a diversity of people, beliefs, and differing opinions. The don't have to agree, but they do have to respect the individual's right to their thoughts. Of course, at home, when it comes to a difference of opinion that requires a final decision, say- curfews, drugs, promiscuity, too much cleavage showing, or doing the dishes- Mom's opinion trumps all others! But we talk about it, and sometimes we change our mind based on respectfully presented and well thought out arguments- except about the drugs, cleavage, and promiscuity things.

Behaving how you expect others to behave is very similar to the Golden Rule (which is a guiding principle in our lives), except it leans more toward the lead by example aspect of it. Basically, what we try to convey by this is that, if you treat others like a dick, they will be dicks right back. If someone treats you like a dick, and you respond with kindness, nine times out of ten, the person will stop being a  dick, or at least go away because they realize that either they were, 1) a dick and become ashamed, or 2) that they have no power over you and it's not worth the effort, so they go away. We also know that our actions teach our kids more than our words ever will and we act accordingly.

The very cool thing, (if you're still reading this tome of a post), is that neither of our older daughters have ever wanted to hide the fact that they have lesbian parents. Sure, there are times that they don't bring it up until they have time to assess the situation- we do the same thing. Boy are weglad about that, too! It's a lot of energy to live in the closet- it breeds shame and the constant worry of discovery is debilitating at times! We are grateful that being open is just part of who they are and if people don't like it, well, the girls will be happy to sit right down and discuss the issue with them! And dang! it's awesome to hear about some of the newly open minded friends they have!

All that said, there have been some incidents. Thankfully, most of it has been restricted to name calling and we feel grateful that more vicious things haven't occurred.

We'll never know whether one of our kids was excluded from a birthday party or shunned by someone because we are gay, but we feel confident that we've given our kids some valuable tools that have helped them feel proud of who they are and who their parents are.

A note from Kim: One of the most wonderful things my daughters ever said to me was on the day that I came out to them. I told them that some kids may not understand and that they might be mean to them when they find out that their mom is gay. My oldest, who was eleven at the time, simply shrugged her shoulders and said, "Then I guess I don't want to be friends with the ones who would say that." And my youngest (at the time), who had just turned six, looked at her big sister and then at me, and said with a  fierce look on her face, "Yeah, we don't want to be friends with someone who hates someone just because they're gay. That's intolerant!"

What are the challenges facing lesbians who raise children?

Question:

One of the cultural reasons for marriage is for children to have a healthy upbringing. What are the challenges you've faced raising children as lesbians? What are the advantages / disadvantages that lesbians have over straight couples when raising families?

Answer:

Ah! A question near and dear to our hearts. We have three daughters who we lovingly refer to as our spawn. Two of them, a nineteen year old and a fourteen year old, are from Kim's previous marriage to Dave, and our one year old is the wonderful creation of our union (see our earlier post How do Lesbians get Pregnant).

Besides the gazillion challenges everyone faces in raising a child today, gays and lesbians have a slew of challenges that make it even more interesting. We'd have to say that the biggest one would have to be society's reaction. Sometimes it is as subtle as a dirty look, sometimes it manifests itself in violence. I think everyone had read story where schools, mostly private Catholic, have expelled or denied a child enrollment simply because they had two moms. Then there was the frightening case recently in New Mexico where a teacher refused to help an injured child simply because she had two moms. It's chilling to read the bald admission of homophobia when the school was confronted.

Another huge challenge are the laws that vary from state to state. Some states, such as Nevada and Florida, forbid the adoption of a child by a same sex parent. That makes school enrollment, emergency medical decisions, and all that a potential night mare.

And then there are the simple harassments of day to day that result in a child coming home from school, friends' houses, or just the grocery store wracked with tears because someone called their mom a dyke or 'forgot' to give them a balloon at the checkout. They don't understand and all you can do is comfort them until you can help them deal with life's harsh moments on their own.

On the flip side! Check this out- Study shows Lesbians make good moms . This is our theory- communication and an intense awareness of  your environment are the key. Same sex relationships are constantly bombarded with stressful situations. In order to survive them, it takes excellent communication and a strong ability to anticipate the possible stresses that life tosses at gay parents. That communication and the ability to navigate those stresses are tools that probably get transferred to the children who learn to deal with life than, say the kids whose parents leave it to the school to raise their children. We are constantly amazed at the number of our children's friends who have never had an honest talk with their parents about sex. You can't avoid that in a same sex relationship. 

None of this is to say that there aren't straight parents out there that raise equally secure children.

This is just the tip of the iceberg, but hopefully it provides a little insight.

Is the Term Lipstick Lesbian Derogatory?

Question:

So, the post about lesbians being butch led me to wonder about something else. It's a term I have thrown around loosely, and would like to know if it is inappropriate or offensive, because I won't use it if it is.  Is the term "Lipstick Lesbian" okay to use?

Answer:

It's so cool that you ask!

Lipstick Lesbian is a term used to describe a lesbian who is on the femme side of the spectrum on the butch-femme scale. For the most part, it is not considered derogatory, though there are some people who hate to be labeled at all, and might not like the term. You should be comfortable using it in most settings, but you might want to check in with someone if you want to refer to them by that term. They might think they are a sporty dyke! The term dyke, by the way, is usually considered offensive unless it is used by a lesbian who is more on the butch side of the scale. This is because of all of the negative stereotyping of lesbians and we can't always tell if the person using it is using it in a loving manner or in a spiteful manner.

Doesn't it seem that in these days of political correctness that people are either scared about every word they use, or pissed that they can't say everything they want to say? We had a huge debate on the use of the word Oriental at a family brunch recently. We always think it's better to err on the side of caution- unless you want to stir people up.

We'd love to hear from anyone out there on this topic. We aren't easily offended, but try to avoid hurting anyone's feelers when we can. Obviously, any word can be used as a slur in the context it is delivered,but some are foul even when used with the most loving intentions. What do you think about the term Lipstick Lesbian or any of other terms that are used to describe the gay community?

Why are Some Lesbians so Butch?

Question:

Why do some lesbian's become so butch?  I'm talking about the ones with the boy haircuts, loaded key rings, man clothes and boots, manly swagger etc.  Do they want to be men?  Are they transgender?  If it's female attracted to female why is one so mannish and the other not?  Of course I realize this isn't always the case.   Is there usually a butch and a .......hmmmm, just realized I don't know what the more feminine partner would be called.  A bitch?  Ha!

Answer:

Ah! A very interesting question that probably has as many answers as there are lesbians! Entire books have been written on this subject.

To skip to the last part, bitch is a term that can be used for both straight or lesbian women, (and even some men we know!), but feminine lesbians are commonly referred to as femmes. Some of us don't mind the term, some us don't like it so much. So, if you use it with a lesbian friend, you should check in with her first if you want to avoid any tension.

As for the first part of your question, the attributes you listed are not restricted to lesbian women. There are plenty of straight women who have short hair, wear key rings, and stomp around in big boots (Doc Martins are the favored brand). None of that means that a woman is gay. If you were to walk into most lesbian bars, you would actually find a huge diversity of styles ranging from Diesel Dyke to Lipstick Lesbian. The reason you probably have the impression that so many lesbians dress so butch is that women dressed in that manner don't blend in so easily in open society. You'd be surprised at the number of lesbians who do blend in!

For some women the style is a matter of comfort, for others it is a sort of uniform that declares who they are to those around them.

Butch women do not want to be men, nor are they transgender, they just feel more comfortable wearing more masculine clothing. As for the swagger...well, people walk and gesture differently depending on the clothing they wear and we imagine that some of that comes from the style of clothing and for others it is a matter of completing the tough aspect of their uniform. 

Butches don't always date femmes just like cheerleaders don't always date the quarterback- but opposites do often attract, and so there are many butch-femme couples. Word to the wise- don't try to correlate the male-female roles to a butch-femme relationship. Neither woman in a butch-femme relationship is a man- though some women we know have very impressive tools (take that any way you want to- <snicker!>). Which brings us to the unasked question- if a femme woman dates a butch woman, why doesn't she want to date a man? Because a butch woman isn't a man and a lesbian is a woman who loves other women.

It's important to realize that clothing is only part of what a person is as a whole. Gender and gender roles are just part of a complex mix of who a person really is. 

Here are some things to read if you want to know more: 

About.com has excellent information about gay life. This link will take you to Butch 101- a very informative rundown on what it is to be butch:

http://lesbianlife.about.com/od/lesbiandating/a/Butches.htm

Here a couple of the books that have been written about lesbian fashion (and, no, that is not an oxymoron, moron!):

The History of Lesbian Hair by Mary Dugger

Looking Like What You Are: Sexual Style, Race, and Lesbian Identity by Lisa Walker

Isle of Lesbos Protests Gay Women using the Title Lesbian- Say They had it First.

Thank you Nick for sending this to us!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-563061/Lesbos-islanders-ask-Greek-court-ban-gay-women-calling-Lesbians.html

Is there really such thing as bisexual? Aren't you either gay or straight?

Question:

My son's "friend" told him a few days ago that she's bisexual. Can you explain this to me? I've read things that say there is no such thing as bisexuality. You're either gay or not gay. True or not true? Or do you know? In any case, what are the chances that someone who is bisexual could be faithful to anyone? I mean if you are attracted to both, aren't you going to constantly be going back and forth? Inquiring minds want to know.

Answer:

Good question and one that comes up often, even in the gay community. For some reason, people have a hard time understanding people who don't "pick a team". The answer is simple, though. Yes, there are bisexual people and that is what puts the B in  LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender). If a person says they are attracted to both men and women, why should we doubt them? If you want empirical data on that, we have several friends who consider themselves bisexual and have personally witnessed them have relationships with both men and women. (In social settings, you sicko! Get your mind out of the gutter!)

As for the faithful part of the question, there are so many ways to approach an answer to this that we had a hard time trying to figure out a concise answer. The first thing that comes to our minds is to ask the question, what does faithful mean? The term faithful can mean different things to different people. And every relationship has different ground rules. Some couples might consider sexual thoughts about another person unfaithful, while others may think having sex is where the line is drawn, and still others don't mind any of that, as long as their partner doesn't fall in love with another person. Then there is everything in between. Taking all of that into consideration, though, it is our belief that bisexual people are just as capable as gay or straight people of honoring the rules of whatever relationship they are in. 

However, we suspect that the faithful question is really about whether a bisexual person can be satisfied with just one set of genitalia if they are attracted to both. The answer is yes. Think about it, is any one person completely perfect? Any person who has had a relationship, gay, straight or bisexual could list at least one thing they wished their lover had that that they don't. Whether it is firmer breasts, a bigger penis, better breath, a larger bank account, etc.. If anyone reading this says they can't list at least one thing they would like to change or add, they are lying- either to us or themselves! But whatever it is that might be missing, it doesn't (usually) send them out looking for someone else to satisfy that specific desire.

That is exactly why sex toys shops do such great business.

(Update: Corrected misspelling of bisexual in title. How embarrassing!)

I have so many questions, but not sure how to ask. What are your thoughts on people that have children and coming out to their children even if they are teenagers?

Question:

I have so many questions, but not sure how to ask. What are your thoughts on people that have children and coming out to their children even if they are teenagers?

Answer:

Please feel free to ask anything you want. We are very open people, especially if it can help you understand what some gay people have to go through in their lives. The best way to ask is to just do it. We are rarely offended. 

Regarding parents coming out to their teenagers, We think they most definitely should come out to them. Teens are very perceptive and hormonal. If you hide something from them, especially as something as big as that, it is disrespectful to both the teen and the parent. Teens are more likely to get angry about their parents not telling them they are gay and then later finding out by some other means. It will make the teen think that their parent is ashamed of their gay lifestyle. That is not a good precedent to set.

We have a very good friend who kept waiting and waiting to tell her daughter. Her daughter even asked her if she was gay and she said no. She was afraid of how her daughter would be treated at school and with her friends. Plus it is scary and nerve racking to do something that big. With good communication that can all be avoided. If people really are that hateful, then you don't want them in your children's lives anyway. She finally told her and her daughter was a hurt that she kept it from her for so long. They worked it out in the long run but being open and honest is they best way to go. Besides this can also be a great opportunity to build a bigger trusting relationship with children.  It makes them feel special, loved and trusted that you would share something so big and precious with them. 

What do You Think is the Main Reason People Voted For Proposition 8?

Question:

I've spoken to a lot of people who voted against Proposition 8, but not many who voted for it. I don't understand why anyone would vote for it. Do you know anyone who voted for it, and what is the main reason they chose to vote for it?

Answer:

This is a very complex issue and we can only provide our own perspective on it. But Yes, we've spoken to several people who voted yes on Proposition 8 and the main reasoning seems to be the same every time- Fear.

People who voted for it consistently tell us that it the belief of their church- so, in other words, their church told them to. When you speak to them one on one, they as individuals don't have much of a problem with it, but they feel they need to support the views of their church. We have not spoken to a single person- and we've spoken to MANY- who was in favor of Prop 8 and wasn't affiliated with a church. It is my opinion that churches and political conservatives are using the issue to provide a 'bad guy' so they gain unity from their constituency. Anyone familiar with the Art of War will know that one of the best ways to win a war is to rouse your troops to anger. That's all the issue is- a tool to incite the troops. Then the leaders can control them and use them to win their battle. It's a political strategy, pure and simple, and gays are the unfortunate victims.

Can You Provide More Info on Don't Ask, Don't Tell (DADT)?

Question:

Let me ask you to share knowledge about this DADT process as I feel rather ignorant. First of all, what Bill Clinton did initially with DADT was most definitely an improvement on the prior policy, correct? As I understand, it was absolutely a crime to be gay (closeted or not) and active military - right? So with DADT, it did not accept or reject. OK, so one step up - right? Now, with the call for Obama to repeal DADT, I assume that means to be accepting of gays in the military, however, it sort of seems like repealing DADT means to revert back to the old concept of NO GAYS PERIOD. Give me your thoughts.

Cathy

Answer:

Hey Cathy-
This is a complex issue and a lot of people have a hard time figuring out what repealing DADT really means. You have specific questions. So, we'll start with that, but please keep in mind that there is a lot more to this and while we follow this pretty closely, especially since one of us was once in the military, but we aren't experts. This is just our take on it.

Here goes!

You asked- "First of all, what Bill Clinton did initially with DADT was most definitely an improvement on the prior policy, correct?"

• Ask the Lesbos reply - No. What Bill Clinton did was well intentioned but ended up making it much worse than it was before.

You asked- "As I understand, it was absolutely a crime to be gay (closeted or not) and active military - right?"

• Ask the Lesbos reply - No. Before DADT it wasn't a crime, just against a policy that Reagan instituted in 1993. Before Reagan, the military had an unofficial policy and relied on bigotry to enforce the feelings de jour. When Clinton enacted DADT he also made what was just a policy into a federal law, which then did make it a crime. That was part of what made DADT worse. The other part that made it worse was that a government entity was officially saying that gays were bad. Before it was just a whisper. After DADT it was set in stone. It socially entrenched the whole gays are bad attitude and spread it through an official government endorsement.

You asked - "So with DADT, it did not accept or reject. OK, so one step up - right?"

• Ask the Lesbos reply - No. What changed was that folks couldn't perform witch hunts any more. It was supposed to stop the harassment, but the harassment has actually increased.

You ask- "Now, with the call for Obama to repeal DADT, I assume that means to be accepting of gays in the military, however, it sort of seems like repealing DADT means to revert back to the old concept of NO GAYS PERIOD."

• Ask the Lesbos reply - Even though folks say repeal DADT that's not what is really being called for. The best case scenario is that Obama initiates action that simply takes gay or straight out of the equation so that gays can serve openly and fall under the same exact regulations that straights do. Just like heterosexuals are government property and have to abide by military comportment regulations (ie. toe the line), gays would too. No one knows exactly what Obama has in mind, but we're dying to find out!

I hope this helps- but let us know if you have more questions... we love that you want to know!

What are the Rules About Daliances Between Straight Women and Gay Men?

Question:
Honey, the weirdest thing in the WORLD just happened to me tonight and I need your advice! I have a gay neighbor, Simon, who's my age, and he's got a 20yo flatmate, who's also gay, but the CUTEST thing I've ever clapped eyes on. I'm always flirting with him in jest (the flatmate) and he plays up to it. Anyway, tonight, the flatmate comes home at midnight and taps on my door. He's drunk as a lord and asks if I really meant what I said. He says, "Don't tell Simon but I secretly fancy women sometimes as well," and then he leans in to kiss me! He kept asking if he can come in but I told him no cuz my kids are here, so he said he's coming round tomorrow night. Bloody hellfire! First of all, I think he'll change his mind again once he's sober, but if he doesn't....hmmmm, what do u think? What are "the rules" about this sort of thing?

D

Answer:
The 'rules' are the same as in the het world. If the 20yo flatmate is single- gobble him up! Use protection (which you need to use ALL the time anyway!) and double it up- because you KNOW he's been with other guys- you're not stupid : -)

But if he and Simon are together, that may throw a wrinkle into it. If he and Simon have an open relationship and you want to play with his boy toy, by all means go for it! But since he's saying don't tell, that says to me he's a cheater and you don't want to get mixed up with that - especially if you will be living next door to the repercussions if Simon finds out- which he probably will, cuz that's Murphy's Law, baby. Then you have your kids to consider. Queens are very vocal when outraged, and do you really want to hear one screaming about you bangin' his boy toy in front of your kids? Ugh!

Oooo! I hope he's single! You will have fun for sure. Just don't fall in love. He'll go back to guys even if he says he won't....

Tell me how it goes!

What's the Correlation Between Lesbians and U-Haul?

Question: 

What is the correlation between lesbians and U-Haul? People refer to it like it's funny but I don't get it.

Thanks!

L

Answer:

It's a joke. It goes like this:

What does a lesbian bring on the second date?

A U-Haul!

(it's funny because it's true!)

Isn't the Term 'Lesbo' Derogatory?

Question:

Hi. I was just wondering...isn't the term "lesbo" a slur, or derogatory? Why would you use it in your blog title?

A straight chick

Answer:

Good question. The answer is- dum,da,dum!- sometimes. Sure, there are some of out there who won't tolerate the slightest bit of disrespect. Then there are those of us who regularly use offensive labeling, ourselves. And in between there are those of us who understand that the way it is perceived is 50% intent of the user of the term and 50% the audience it is used for.* Some words are off-limits no matter who uses them or where.

The way we are using Lesbos in this blog is the same way in which you are using chick in your e-mail.  It's casual and familiar, but there is no evil intent behind it.

The audience we are hoping to reach is a respectful, curious group who wants to know more about lesbians in order to enhance their lives. If we reach others, that's great. But if they are disrespectful or hateful, well they are beyond any reasoning we can provide. And any lesbians who take offense at our usage of it...lighten up!

We don't take ourselves too seriously over here. Where's the fun in that?

* percentages are obviously pulled out of our butts, but you get the point, right?

How Do Lesbians Get Pregnant?

Question:

Dear Lesbos,

How do lesbians get pregnant? Do they have to sleep with a man to do it?

C

Answer: Lesbians get pregnant the same way any woman gets pregnant- sperm fertilizes an egg and it somehow finds it's way into her womb.

The difference between lesbians and straight women in regard to getting pregnant is access to sperm. Most lesbians don't have sex with men, so the traditional method is usually out for us. Some of us don't mind taking one for the team, but the vast majority would rather not have to have sex with a man just to get his sperm. That's when sperm donors come in handy. We know a lot of friends, including ourselves, who know the donor. But if you don't know anyone who is willing to provide you with the goods, there really are sperm banks out there where you can get some. You can even order it on line.

Once you have the sperm, insertion can be done at home using a kit you can easily order on line, or you can go to a doctor to have it inserted for you. Either way, you want to chart your ovulation cycle to make sure you insert the sperm at the right time. Sperm purchases and doctors visits can get expensive if you go at it hit or miss, and either way, you want to increase your odds of conception since you don't have sperm just laying around the house to keep trying with every month.

If you go through a sperm bank, most of the legal stuff with the donor is already taken care of. When the guy donates, he gives up parental rights and all responsibility is taken away.

If you are so lucky to have a generous person in your life who is willing to give you his sperm, protect both of you by having legal documentation drawn up that releases him from responsibility, and gives up his parental rights.

You should also find out what the laws are in your particular state or country on what rights are provided to the non-biological mother. In most places, the non-biological mother will need to adopt the baby, if it is even legal in your area, in order to have full legal parental rights established.

Finally- when you are ready to make the baby, just because there is a lot of planning to do, it doesn't mean it can't be a romantic moment for you and your partner. Sure, there may be a syringe and a bottle of foreign liquid involved, but you can adjust the lighting, play some music and do what you and your partner like to do to set the right mood.