How have you prepared your children to deal with questions about having lesbian parents?

Question:

Coming from a family with lesbian parents, your kids must get questions at school. How have you prepared them for these questions [teasing]? Have there been any incidents where coming from a lesbian family has been an issue?

Answer:

We're so glad you asked this! This is something we are pretty proud of, because our kids, at least the two older ones so far, are excellent at this!

It's hard to answer, though! Raising kids is hard. Anyone who has done it knows that there is no silver bullet. Teaching a kid how to deal with assholes...did we write that out loud? Ooops! What we meant to write is, teaching a kid to effectively deal with misbehaving kids, (who are probably just mirroring the opinions and behavior of their own parents), is beyond hard. We wish it was as easy as giving them a pamphlet, teaching them Karate, or coaching them on scathing retorts. It's an art form, and they have to figure out for themselves what works best for them.

If we had to distill our attempts into a short(ish) answer, though, we'd have to say that the main things we have done to prepare the kids are: let them chose who they want to know about their lesbian parents, give them the communication skills to deal with those who do, provide them with the confidence they need to stand their ground, give respect while demanding respect in turn, and finally to behave how they expect others to behave.

Letting them choose who they tell gives them some control over a situation they didn't ask to be in, and it takes away any pressure that could cause them to develop their own negative feelings about the situation. Taking away that pressure helps to lessen the potential of developing poor coping skills borne out of anger, frustration, shame, or obligation to protect the parents who are supposed to protect them. We have never given them any pressure to be "out" just because we are. When we made the decision to be out for ourselves, we were adults, and had developed better tools to deal with negative responses to those who might respond poorly. But it's different for kids, and we try to be sensitive to that. Also, we hope that through our own actions, the girls are able to see how open we are, and learn to feel comfortable about being open in their own ways.

Communication skills are huge. We are huge communicators. We talk about everything. When the kids face new situations, we talk it out with them especially if they feel having lesbian moms is going to come up. We discuss the pros and cons of telling people and whether it is even necessary.

Both of our older daughters are very confident young women, and the youngest seems to be following in her sisters' footsteps. This confidence has provided our girls with the ability to present themselves in a manner that does not invite other kids to mess with them too much and,  on the rare occasions that they do, the girls don't ever feel the need to back down or resort to violence to deal with them. Most of the time, their confidence dispels the need to tease, taunt, or otherwise harass them in the first place. Scads of books have been written on raising confident children. Sometimes we think it was dumb luck that helped us pull it off, but we've committed to the effort, and so far it seems to have worked.  

Respect is a key ingredient to any relationship, and we have taught our kids to respect other people, regardless of who they are, until they prove that they do not deserve their respect. We want them to be open to a diversity of people, beliefs, and differing opinions. The don't have to agree, but they do have to respect the individual's right to their thoughts. Of course, at home, when it comes to a difference of opinion that requires a final decision, say- curfews, drugs, promiscuity, too much cleavage showing, or doing the dishes- Mom's opinion trumps all others! But we talk about it, and sometimes we change our mind based on respectfully presented and well thought out arguments- except about the drugs, cleavage, and promiscuity things.

Behaving how you expect others to behave is very similar to the Golden Rule (which is a guiding principle in our lives), except it leans more toward the lead by example aspect of it. Basically, what we try to convey by this is that, if you treat others like a dick, they will be dicks right back. If someone treats you like a dick, and you respond with kindness, nine times out of ten, the person will stop being a  dick, or at least go away because they realize that either they were, 1) a dick and become ashamed, or 2) that they have no power over you and it's not worth the effort, so they go away. We also know that our actions teach our kids more than our words ever will and we act accordingly.

The very cool thing, (if you're still reading this tome of a post), is that neither of our older daughters have ever wanted to hide the fact that they have lesbian parents. Sure, there are times that they don't bring it up until they have time to assess the situation- we do the same thing. Boy are weglad about that, too! It's a lot of energy to live in the closet- it breeds shame and the constant worry of discovery is debilitating at times! We are grateful that being open is just part of who they are and if people don't like it, well, the girls will be happy to sit right down and discuss the issue with them! And dang! it's awesome to hear about some of the newly open minded friends they have!

All that said, there have been some incidents. Thankfully, most of it has been restricted to name calling and we feel grateful that more vicious things haven't occurred.

We'll never know whether one of our kids was excluded from a birthday party or shunned by someone because we are gay, but we feel confident that we've given our kids some valuable tools that have helped them feel proud of who they are and who their parents are.

A note from Kim: One of the most wonderful things my daughters ever said to me was on the day that I came out to them. I told them that some kids may not understand and that they might be mean to them when they find out that their mom is gay. My oldest, who was eleven at the time, simply shrugged her shoulders and said, "Then I guess I don't want to be friends with the ones who would say that." And my youngest (at the time), who had just turned six, looked at her big sister and then at me, and said with a  fierce look on her face, "Yeah, we don't want to be friends with someone who hates someone just because they're gay. That's intolerant!"