Should my son come out to his grandparents?

Question:

Please give me your thoughts of young, gay adults coming out to their Grandparents. I personally believe that some grandparents may be aware of the situation but would prefer not to be confronted with it. If that's the case, then it just sort of confirms to the gay that it's not OK.....I'm perplexed. I am a proud Mom of a proud Son, and although I have not been asked for my opinion, I would like to have thought this one through when and if it comes up for discussion.

Answer:

Our personal belief is that anyone who is important in your life deserves to know you for who you are. Sure, we don't always tell people everything about ourselves- for instance, who wants to know about Kim's massive Homies collection? But, since being gay involves other important relationships in your life, it is a pretty big thing to try to avoid. What kind of relationship can you have with someone if they don't know something so fundamental about you? But we also know that it's really scary to come out- especially if the relationship with the person you are coming out to really matters to you. So sometimes it's easier to avoid coming out rather than face the possibility of rejection and, in some instances, out right hostility.

It seems from your question that you are leaving it up to your son to come out to his grandparents and we are proud of you for recognizing that it is his decision on if/when/how he comes out to them. That leads us to your very good point that some people do not want to be confronted with the news that someone they know is gay. 

There is a huge difference between coming out and being confrontational. Unfortunately, many people avoid the issue until it comes up in conversation. Waiting until it comes up is usually fine with casual acquaintances, but it usually isn't the best way with the primary relationships in our lives. The longer it takes to come up organically in some conversation, increases the instances of avoiding certain topics, sidestepping innocent questions, and possibly leading to actual deception. All of this sidestepping- possibly by both parties, since the other person may already suspect and might be trying to honor the other person's privacy- can start to become tiring and/or frustrating and once it does come up, it may not be in the gentle and loving way that either would have preferred it to be. Instead, it could take the gay person off guard and, instead of being open and eloquent in their news, they may become defensive, apologetic, or even confrontational about it. The person they are talking to, may also be defensive because they resent that the person didn't trust them enough to be receptive. So BANG! confrontation!

So, in short, it is our opinion that it is completely up to your son as to whether he should come out to his grandparents, but if it was us, we would, and we'd make sure to let them know we're doing it because their relationship is so important to us.

By the way- we think that you are an awesome mom for being so in touch with your son's issues in navigating his coming out process. Every gay kid should have a mother as accepting, supportive, and loving as you!