Should my son come out to his grandparents?

Question:

Please give me your thoughts of young, gay adults coming out to their Grandparents. I personally believe that some grandparents may be aware of the situation but would prefer not to be confronted with it. If that's the case, then it just sort of confirms to the gay that it's not OK.....I'm perplexed. I am a proud Mom of a proud Son, and although I have not been asked for my opinion, I would like to have thought this one through when and if it comes up for discussion.

Answer:

Our personal belief is that anyone who is important in your life deserves to know you for who you are. Sure, we don't always tell people everything about ourselves- for instance, who wants to know about Kim's massive Homies collection? But, since being gay involves other important relationships in your life, it is a pretty big thing to try to avoid. What kind of relationship can you have with someone if they don't know something so fundamental about you? But we also know that it's really scary to come out- especially if the relationship with the person you are coming out to really matters to you. So sometimes it's easier to avoid coming out rather than face the possibility of rejection and, in some instances, out right hostility.

It seems from your question that you are leaving it up to your son to come out to his grandparents and we are proud of you for recognizing that it is his decision on if/when/how he comes out to them. That leads us to your very good point that some people do not want to be confronted with the news that someone they know is gay. 

There is a huge difference between coming out and being confrontational. Unfortunately, many people avoid the issue until it comes up in conversation. Waiting until it comes up is usually fine with casual acquaintances, but it usually isn't the best way with the primary relationships in our lives. The longer it takes to come up organically in some conversation, increases the instances of avoiding certain topics, sidestepping innocent questions, and possibly leading to actual deception. All of this sidestepping- possibly by both parties, since the other person may already suspect and might be trying to honor the other person's privacy- can start to become tiring and/or frustrating and once it does come up, it may not be in the gentle and loving way that either would have preferred it to be. Instead, it could take the gay person off guard and, instead of being open and eloquent in their news, they may become defensive, apologetic, or even confrontational about it. The person they are talking to, may also be defensive because they resent that the person didn't trust them enough to be receptive. So BANG! confrontation!

So, in short, it is our opinion that it is completely up to your son as to whether he should come out to his grandparents, but if it was us, we would, and we'd make sure to let them know we're doing it because their relationship is so important to us.

By the way- we think that you are an awesome mom for being so in touch with your son's issues in navigating his coming out process. Every gay kid should have a mother as accepting, supportive, and loving as you!

Have you ever been in a relationship that your partner wasn't out nor was she strong enough to come out?

Question

Have you ever been in a relationship that your partner wasn't out nor was she strong enough to come out?

Answer

Yes, one of us was. It was while in college. She was only out to a few close friends. She didn't even really talk about it to those few friends. It is really hard to come out no matter who you are or what kind of family and friends you have. However, it is especially hard to come out in a heavily religious environment where we lived. I was out to everyone except my parents until about 7 years ago. My ex eventually came out a few years after our relationship ended, when she was in a different relationship with a friend of mine (yeah that was difficult and awkward at first). It was hard to watch her do things in that relationship she was never willing to do when she was with me. In hind sight I guess she wasn’t emotionally or mentally ready for the kind of committed relationship I needed. I think I helped her get to that point. However, she may not see it that way.

I have friends that didn't come out to their parents until they were in their late thirties or even later or not at all. The fear of friends and especially family disowning you is so great some people are willing to lie their entire lives just to keep those relationships. That is one reason gay communities are so tight. A lot of gay and lesbian people are thrown out of their homes as teenagers or disowned later in life when their family finds out. When things like that happen, you make your own family. A Family you choose.

Do you think Vaughn Walker should have excused himself from the Proposition 8 case because he was gay?

Question:

Do you think Vaughn Walker should have excused himself from the Proposition 8 case because he was gay?

Answer:

It's probably bad form to answer a question with another question, but who would have tried the case then? A straight judge? Wouldn't they have the potential of bias going the opposite way?

Aside from that, take into consideration that Vaughn Walker was a scary choice for the gay community when he was randomly selected to oversee the Proposition 8 trial. His tendency to lean toward the right in his rulings and the controversial judgments he has been involved in, such as the 1980's ruling against a gay organization about using the term Gay Olympics, had many people in the gay community worrying about his bias going the other way.

The plain and simple fact is that it is impossible to find a judge who has no potential for bias in this case, just as it was when white men decided civil rights for black people and men made decisions for woman's suffrage. No matter who is chosen, either side can cry foul. So, we had to leave it the system to be fair.

Is homosexuality genetic or environmental?

Question:
Do you think all lesbians or homosexuals in general are born that way? Do you think that there could be some negative event in their life that turns their sexual orientation at some point? For instance, I know a boy who was molested by his grandfather for years. When he was about 16 he declared himself gay and has been ever since. Would he have been gay anyway?

Answer:
First of all, we are truly, truly sorry for the abuse your friend experienced. If we could take just a portion of the energy that has been wasted over the gay debate and focus it on eradicating pedophiles, we think the world would be a much better place.

So, on to the million dollar question! Are gays born or made?

The short answer is that it has not yet been empirically proven one way or the other, but continuing studies seem to suggest that it is probably genetic and that environmental factors, including biological conditions occurring en utero contribute to defining a person's sexual orientation.

The longer answer is that studies continue to be made and we are getting closer to determining a more concrete answer in the scientific sense, but we have never met a single gay person who has said they were made gay. Everyone of our friends we've discussed this with, and it comes up often, is that we were born this way. Even those of us who came out later in life, know that we were always gay and social pressure was the reason for for the delay in figuring it out.

As far as research goes, though, one of the most comprehensive studies occurred in Sweden in 2007 and contained the largest sample of gay twins to date. The Swedish study, along with several other subsequent studies, appear to indicate that the sexual orientation of the subject is genetic, with environmental factors providing some effect. Another interesting study performed in 2007 seems to indicate that a group of genes may be the key to sexual orientation. The study discusses the biological environment en utero primarily focusing on testosterone exposure at key points of development, among many other interesting ideas. Our favorite quote from the linked article is when the researcher says

“Bullshit...A mathematical model is a nice exercise, a mental masturbation about how these things could work, but it makes better sense to do that once we know a bit more..."

Hehe! "mental masturbation"- brainy naughtiness! (Not that there is anything wrong with masturbation!) Anyway...

On a lighter note, a more recent study performed in South Korea found that a gay gene may have been found in female mice. By removing a single gene they found that female mice will gravitate toward other females. The gene's name: FucM. We didn't make that up! That's scientific.

Proving the existence of a gay gene would be a blessing and a curse for us. To finally get the religious right to stop trying to pray the gay away or, better yet, stop the psychologically damaging practice of trying to convert gays to straight, would take away a lot of the negative energy behind the condemnation of gays, and go a long way toward establishing peace for this controversial subject. But scary, scary, scary, is the thought of what people may resort to if they knew how to identify the gay gene and then start thinking about how to eradicate it. This would turn the whole abortion debate around on it's head. Think about it, progressives and conservatives alike, would have to rethink their stand on abortion. Being pro-choice, it would be hard for us to support another woman exercising her right to choice just because the baby might be gay. It's not for us to judge- but that would be tough...and a subject for another day.

What is the male equivalent of 'lesbian'?

Question:

What is the male equivalent of lesbian? 'Gay' seems to be the term to encompass both male and female homosexuals. 'Lesbian' is the term for female homosexuals, and it's not considered derogatory (depending on your circle). What is the term for a *male* homosexual that is not derogatory?

Answer:

Gay is the only term for a male homosexual that can be used with no fear of derogatory undertones.

The acronym LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender) is a good reference when in doubt since those are the universally accepted terms for describing the non-straight community.

The term "gay" had been adopted by society in general over the last two decades, to include both homosexual men and women. You'd probably get as many different answers as the number of people you ask as to the evolution of lesbians referring to themselves as gay, but we are willing to bet that it was simply a matter of simplifying things. Instead of writing "gays and lesbians" in everything that was written about us, writers just shortened it to "gays".

Interestingly enough, the term "lesbian" seems to predate "gay" as far as the etymology of the words goes. "Lesbian" referred to homosexual women as early at the 1880's or 1890's, while "gay" was used to mean a homosexual male in 1971. Prior to that "gay" meant promiscuous when used in terms of describing a man or woman, whether they were homosexual or straight.

How have you prepared your children to deal with questions about having lesbian parents?

Question:

Coming from a family with lesbian parents, your kids must get questions at school. How have you prepared them for these questions [teasing]? Have there been any incidents where coming from a lesbian family has been an issue?

Answer:

We're so glad you asked this! This is something we are pretty proud of, because our kids, at least the two older ones so far, are excellent at this!

It's hard to answer, though! Raising kids is hard. Anyone who has done it knows that there is no silver bullet. Teaching a kid how to deal with assholes...did we write that out loud? Ooops! What we meant to write is, teaching a kid to effectively deal with misbehaving kids, (who are probably just mirroring the opinions and behavior of their own parents), is beyond hard. We wish it was as easy as giving them a pamphlet, teaching them Karate, or coaching them on scathing retorts. It's an art form, and they have to figure out for themselves what works best for them.

If we had to distill our attempts into a short(ish) answer, though, we'd have to say that the main things we have done to prepare the kids are: let them chose who they want to know about their lesbian parents, give them the communication skills to deal with those who do, provide them with the confidence they need to stand their ground, give respect while demanding respect in turn, and finally to behave how they expect others to behave.

Letting them choose who they tell gives them some control over a situation they didn't ask to be in, and it takes away any pressure that could cause them to develop their own negative feelings about the situation. Taking away that pressure helps to lessen the potential of developing poor coping skills borne out of anger, frustration, shame, or obligation to protect the parents who are supposed to protect them. We have never given them any pressure to be "out" just because we are. When we made the decision to be out for ourselves, we were adults, and had developed better tools to deal with negative responses to those who might respond poorly. But it's different for kids, and we try to be sensitive to that. Also, we hope that through our own actions, the girls are able to see how open we are, and learn to feel comfortable about being open in their own ways.

Communication skills are huge. We are huge communicators. We talk about everything. When the kids face new situations, we talk it out with them especially if they feel having lesbian moms is going to come up. We discuss the pros and cons of telling people and whether it is even necessary.

Both of our older daughters are very confident young women, and the youngest seems to be following in her sisters' footsteps. This confidence has provided our girls with the ability to present themselves in a manner that does not invite other kids to mess with them too much and,  on the rare occasions that they do, the girls don't ever feel the need to back down or resort to violence to deal with them. Most of the time, their confidence dispels the need to tease, taunt, or otherwise harass them in the first place. Scads of books have been written on raising confident children. Sometimes we think it was dumb luck that helped us pull it off, but we've committed to the effort, and so far it seems to have worked.  

Respect is a key ingredient to any relationship, and we have taught our kids to respect other people, regardless of who they are, until they prove that they do not deserve their respect. We want them to be open to a diversity of people, beliefs, and differing opinions. The don't have to agree, but they do have to respect the individual's right to their thoughts. Of course, at home, when it comes to a difference of opinion that requires a final decision, say- curfews, drugs, promiscuity, too much cleavage showing, or doing the dishes- Mom's opinion trumps all others! But we talk about it, and sometimes we change our mind based on respectfully presented and well thought out arguments- except about the drugs, cleavage, and promiscuity things.

Behaving how you expect others to behave is very similar to the Golden Rule (which is a guiding principle in our lives), except it leans more toward the lead by example aspect of it. Basically, what we try to convey by this is that, if you treat others like a dick, they will be dicks right back. If someone treats you like a dick, and you respond with kindness, nine times out of ten, the person will stop being a  dick, or at least go away because they realize that either they were, 1) a dick and become ashamed, or 2) that they have no power over you and it's not worth the effort, so they go away. We also know that our actions teach our kids more than our words ever will and we act accordingly.

The very cool thing, (if you're still reading this tome of a post), is that neither of our older daughters have ever wanted to hide the fact that they have lesbian parents. Sure, there are times that they don't bring it up until they have time to assess the situation- we do the same thing. Boy are weglad about that, too! It's a lot of energy to live in the closet- it breeds shame and the constant worry of discovery is debilitating at times! We are grateful that being open is just part of who they are and if people don't like it, well, the girls will be happy to sit right down and discuss the issue with them! And dang! it's awesome to hear about some of the newly open minded friends they have!

All that said, there have been some incidents. Thankfully, most of it has been restricted to name calling and we feel grateful that more vicious things haven't occurred.

We'll never know whether one of our kids was excluded from a birthday party or shunned by someone because we are gay, but we feel confident that we've given our kids some valuable tools that have helped them feel proud of who they are and who their parents are.

A note from Kim: One of the most wonderful things my daughters ever said to me was on the day that I came out to them. I told them that some kids may not understand and that they might be mean to them when they find out that their mom is gay. My oldest, who was eleven at the time, simply shrugged her shoulders and said, "Then I guess I don't want to be friends with the ones who would say that." And my youngest (at the time), who had just turned six, looked at her big sister and then at me, and said with a  fierce look on her face, "Yeah, we don't want to be friends with someone who hates someone just because they're gay. That's intolerant!"

What are the challenges facing lesbians who raise children?

Question:

One of the cultural reasons for marriage is for children to have a healthy upbringing. What are the challenges you've faced raising children as lesbians? What are the advantages / disadvantages that lesbians have over straight couples when raising families?

Answer:

Ah! A question near and dear to our hearts. We have three daughters who we lovingly refer to as our spawn. Two of them, a nineteen year old and a fourteen year old, are from Kim's previous marriage to Dave, and our one year old is the wonderful creation of our union (see our earlier post How do Lesbians get Pregnant).

Besides the gazillion challenges everyone faces in raising a child today, gays and lesbians have a slew of challenges that make it even more interesting. We'd have to say that the biggest one would have to be society's reaction. Sometimes it is as subtle as a dirty look, sometimes it manifests itself in violence. I think everyone had read story where schools, mostly private Catholic, have expelled or denied a child enrollment simply because they had two moms. Then there was the frightening case recently in New Mexico where a teacher refused to help an injured child simply because she had two moms. It's chilling to read the bald admission of homophobia when the school was confronted.

Another huge challenge are the laws that vary from state to state. Some states, such as Nevada and Florida, forbid the adoption of a child by a same sex parent. That makes school enrollment, emergency medical decisions, and all that a potential night mare.

And then there are the simple harassments of day to day that result in a child coming home from school, friends' houses, or just the grocery store wracked with tears because someone called their mom a dyke or 'forgot' to give them a balloon at the checkout. They don't understand and all you can do is comfort them until you can help them deal with life's harsh moments on their own.

On the flip side! Check this out- Study shows Lesbians make good moms . This is our theory- communication and an intense awareness of  your environment are the key. Same sex relationships are constantly bombarded with stressful situations. In order to survive them, it takes excellent communication and a strong ability to anticipate the possible stresses that life tosses at gay parents. That communication and the ability to navigate those stresses are tools that probably get transferred to the children who learn to deal with life than, say the kids whose parents leave it to the school to raise their children. We are constantly amazed at the number of our children's friends who have never had an honest talk with their parents about sex. You can't avoid that in a same sex relationship. 

None of this is to say that there aren't straight parents out there that raise equally secure children.

This is just the tip of the iceberg, but hopefully it provides a little insight.